Fear Of Putting Yourself Out There Online

by

Discovering Youtube around my pre-teen phase was a defining moment for me.

It started w/ perusing through beauty tutorials trying to learn how to do makeup correctly.

(apparently matching my bright blue eyeshadow with my bright blue shirt wasn’t in)

Then after watching several videos, a whole new world opened up to me.

I become hooked and obsessed with the idea of creating and documenting my ideas.

It was so enticing to create something that was entirely mine & unique.

For months and months, I talked about creating videos and starting a YouTube channel.

I rehearsed + drafted about a million game plans for creating my own station.

Yet, I just couldn’t seem to pull the trigger.

Being so young, I of course…

  • was worried what others would think of me.
  • sooooo mortified to make a mistake.
  • no funds to make my videos elaborate or professional.
  • aware that my beauty skills were subpar.
  • did I mention I was worried about what others would think of me???
  • had no clear vision of what I wanted to do with my channel.
  • just scared sh*tless to put myself out there & knowing I would f*ck it up.

When I finally made the jump to start my YouTube channel, it was atrocious.

Let me paint the picture for you.

My first plan was to start a beauty station.

The first video was me filming in the garage of my parent’s house with a ton of sh*t in the background and blurry resolution. My outfit was a “where’s waldo” striped top paired w/ those long summer shorts that cut right above the knee (sexxxyyyy). I then proceeded to show some gauwdy clothing items I bought at the thrift store and create a video that would haunt me forever.

If you ever hear me say I don’t like thrift stores, you now know why.

Long story short, I was absolutely terrible and I had no f*cking clue how to create content.

(BUT WAIT. IT GET’S BETTER.)

I then went on to create a fitness & lifestyle channel.

I managed to f*ck that up by trying to coach others on workout movements when I barely could squat the barbell itself and constantly falling off the wagon with my macro diet. I filmed workouts demonstrating how to stripper squat with sh*t form + shaky knees. DM me for coaching anyone??

My favorite part was when I went through my “first real heartbreak + let’s get drunk + film about it phase”. I then publicly announced to the world my relationship baggage and how I was “ok guys…I am fine…it will all work out…I am totally over him.” Yeah…when I said I would probably f*ck up my Youtube channel, I was right.


When your putting yourself out there online, there is no such thing as a perfect launch. Period.


Those videos are private now & for my eyes only that I plan to watch with Aaron if I get enough liquid courage to press the play button for him. Honestly though, I can condone myself for putting myself out there and tried something that I obviously had no idea how to do at all. It led me to creating this blog with a clear vision. I realized my true strengths and passions. I am now confident to create content without having to muster up the courage to hit post.

Along the way, I have learned a few things that have helped me keep taking the plunge of posting content online…

1.) GET F*CKING STARTED.

Like I said before, there is really no such thing as a perfect launch. I was waiting for all the stars to align and those nervous jitters to go away before I actually showed people my content. Plus, time is valuable. It will take patience to grow my empire, and the sooner I got started the better off I would be in the long run. It took me three years of falling on my a** & figuring out what I actually could offer to viewers on the internet. Oh and it’s not beauty tutorials, personal training, or crying on camera about relationship baggage.

The principle of just starting your business idea, blog, youtube station, social media page, or store is daunting and stressful for an OCD, perfectionist like me. In fact , I love to spend hours obsessing even now about how I can make my website look more dope & efficient. There are some posts I would love to redo because I just need to get to the f*cking point and I am so scattered brained. The show must go on though, and I would rather improve than rebuild every second I have a temper tantrum for my blog not being perfect. If I want to keep moving forward, I have to start somewhere and keep doing daily tasks that will help me reach my goal of becoming an improved (not perfect) blogger.

2.) IN ORDER TO HAVE A CLEAR VISION, YOU NEED TO DABBLE.

My biggest excuse was I have no idea what I exactly want to do on the internet. When I first got started, I was constantly figuring out what I actually enjoyed doing when it came to creating content.

I learned I wasn’t a fan of just posting beauty videos pertaining to makeup and hair products. I needed more substance. I loved fitness, but I hated (and wasn’t good at) keeping people accountable with their own fitness goals. Oh, I probably shouldn’t use the internet as an outlet to vent about an ex I clearly wasn’t over yet & could offer no inspiration to other women about relationships (blaming it on the Tequila).

As you can see, it took a few f*ck ups and testing before I figure out what I truly enjoyed documenting and creating for others to see online. I love beauty, fitness, & lifestyle related topics. All of my projects lead me down a road of figuring out I enjoy talking about women empowerment, that’s my niche.

I still am not sure what this blog will offer me completely, but at least I have a vision on what I enjoy doing as my side hustle. It can always change or evolve into something else. The important part is I did the work (aka dabbling) to figure out what I love doing in the moment.

3.) CONFIDENCE IS BUILT BY ACTION.

This is about my fifth project I have launched on the internet. It has become second nature to post content on the internet without the “oh sh*t…I don’t know if I can do this”. Past me would be rewriting an Instagram post about seven times, and it would cause a full blown anxiety attack when I actually uploaded it to the feed. In order to tackle this fear, I just had to keep uploading videos and posts no matter how painful it was in the moment.

There was no magic cure or thought except repetitively posting content that made me more confident overtime to share my viewpoints. That’s my secret: action.

4.) HATERS & UNSOLICITED ADVICE.

My thought process is people are going to dislike me regardless if my work or opinion is on the internet. As I became more confident in my work and myself, it made it less daunting when people wanted to make jabs about my blog.

Before, I would have friends or family tell me what I should or should not post on my blog. You shouldn’t cuss. You shouldn’t talk about personal sh*t. You shouldn’t show off your body like that. You shouldn’t post about that topic. I love advice and critiques, but this used to eat me up. Omg, are people going to unfollow me is I say f*ck, wear a low cut top, or post about a real life situation (instead of some sappy “I love my life & have a good day guys” post)??!

When I focused on building my core people who loved my work, it didn’t bother me when other people had snide remarks to say about my blog. They don’t have to read, watch, or view my sh*t. It’s nothing personal and I don’t have to “click” with everyone.  I don’t have time to make everyone like me and people can spot attention whores from a mile away.

BTW: I have been in love w/ the Express sweater since day one. It takes a lot for me to love a clothing item three months after purchasing, but this is one of my go to items. The sexy cut off the shoulder & comfy material is my favorite.

Happy Sunday & try to survive the work week!

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